The Window Shopping Trap: Power and Patriarchy
I have been rejected many times; this search process is a brutal transaction. Families visit houses just to have more options for their boys, treating the meeting as 'window shopping' where women become the goods on the shelf and men the customers. They go through countless homes and families before finally picking the one they like the most.
They enjoy the privilege of sitting on a high pedestal, the hospitality, and reserving the power to say 'Yes' or 'No' to the girl's family first. While I think on paper I have a choice, I know the pressure to say yes is immense if the boy’s family approves. With many difficulties, I have only been able to say 'No' to three families so far.
Since the boy's family knows they are the first party to approve, they are cocky and not shy about openly judging the girl’s home, her family status, and herself. This is classical patriarchy in play.
Choosing a life partner, which should be a process of curiosity and getting to know each other, becomes a power play with nothing to do with companionship.
My engagement recently broke off. The reason? My fiancé had problems with us having a helper (maid for cleaning and cooking) in our home. To him, it signaled I would demand the same after marriage. The burden is technically off my shoulders now, but the anxiety had already taken its toll: I was so anxious I got half my face paralyzed.
The core conflict is this: Men have made a pragmatic adjustment to accepting the financial benefits of a working wife because of the rising cost of living. The economic role of the wife has changed, while the domestic role has largely not. A woman is expected to be a Modern Financial Contributor (educated, earning well) AND a Traditional Homemaker (responsible for all cooking, cleaning, and childcare).
Going through this arranged marriage process again is killing me. I am facing rejection almost every weekend. I feel like a failure. The social pressure on my mother to get me married is immense; I often see her crying, unable to understand what these men truly want. Now that I am 30—considered 'old'—any family from the boys' side that says 'Yes' to even seeing me is instantly invited by my parents.
Putting myself out in front of strangers who silently judge and reject me has incited a feeling of shame, anger, and a loss of self-respect in me. On the other hand, my longing for a partner and the hope that one day it will all work out keeps me in the game. This is a shared struggle of women around me. It gives me peace knowing the majority of the women around me are going through the same struggle. I am not suffering alone.
When rejection began, a part of me desperately wanted to return to my old conditioning: to please them. I was raised to be a fawner, seeking safety and belonging through self-betrayal. Working with Sneh became my anchor. It helped me spotlight these fawning behaviors and, more importantly, define my non-negotiable personal values. These values now guide me as I navigate the choppy waters of patriarchy.
I am an independent, educated girl. I earn my own money. All I seek is freedom to work, to make joint decisions with my partner, to have equality, respect, and support in a relationship. Is that truly too much to ask?
-Hareem, Lahore
