Losing my Job, Finding my Worth

I was let go of a job that was my identity for thirteen years. I was told my performance was not up to the mark. I was heartbroken, and at a loss for words. My identity had been that of an overachiever. I excelled through school, college, and my job. It was a pride and a burden that I carried for decades. A rug had been pulled underneath my feet. Unsure how I had gotten there to begin with.

Well-wishers, with the best intentions, asked me to 'Move On' to the next chapter. There were a lot of emotions whirling in me and I didn't feel capable of moving on but felt compelled to do so. This is when I got in touch with Sneh to help me unravel 'What next?'

Little did I know holding space for contemplation would lead me to where it hurt the most. Sneh helped me acknowledge and name all the emotions that showed up during our sessions without any judgement, I was allowed to tell my stories and she listened with compassion. I grieved the loss of a 13 year old work relationship. I left an organisation that I called home for more than a decade. All of it was gone. I felt ashamed and humiliated at being asked to leave. There was a lot of self-blame. Even though I had unknowingly contributed to the 'letting go' situation, a part of me still wanted to be taken back with a hope of restoring my dignity.

Sneh did not ask me to move on and that started my healing journey. Working with her, I realized something important. I had become a hyper-achiever. This was a coping mechanism. This likely stemmed from having a parent who (unknowingly) promised me shiny things for achieving their expectations. They loved me but I was always confused as to what I must do to continue feeling loved. Filial piety and fulfilling parental expectations were anyway considered fundamental in the culture I grew up in. I internalised early on that 'to be worthy, to be loved, one had to continually achieve.' Even though it served me in a way (a big part of me thrived on external recognition), it left me deeply exhausted, disconnected from my feelings, my body and further away from the 'authentic me.' Understanding how these early on relational dynamics contributed to a pattern of external validation was liberating yet stirred up disbelief in me. I swirled. I was living under an assumption that I had made significant progress in 'putting myself first' but that didn't seem true anymore. 

While the experience of losing my job was very painful and humiliating, I now recognize its unexpected gift: it guided me back to myself. I am now rewiring my old beliefs and learning to trust my intuition. Without this disruption, I fear I would have remained trapped in a cycle of achievement, headed towards burnout and lifelessness.

Mira, Coorg, India