The Window Shopping Trap: Power and Patriarchy

I have been rejected many times; this search process is a brutal transaction. Families visit houses just to have more options for their boys, treating the meeting as 'window shopping' where women become the goods on the shelf and men the customers. They go through countless homes and families before finally picking the one they like the most.

They enjoy the privilege of sitting on a high pedestal, the hospitality, and reserving the power to say 'Yes' or 'No' to the girl's family first. While I think on paper I have a choice, I know the pressure to say yes is immense if the boy’s family approves. With many difficulties, I have only been able to say 'No' to three families so far.

Since the boy's family knows they are the first party to approve, they are cocky and not shy about openly judging the girl’s home, her family status, and herself. This is classical patriarchy in play. 

Choosing a life partner, which should be a process of curiosity and getting to know each other, becomes a power play with nothing to do with companionship.

My engagement recently broke off. The reason? My fiancé had problems with us having a helper (maid for cleaning and cooking) in our home. To him, it signaled I would demand the same after marriage. The burden is technically off my shoulders now, but the anxiety had already taken its toll: I was so anxious I got half my face paralyzed.

The core conflict is this: Men have made a pragmatic adjustment to accepting the financial benefits of a working wife because of the rising cost of living. The economic role of the wife has changed, while the domestic role has largely not. A woman is expected to be a Modern Financial Contributor (educated, earning well) AND a Traditional Homemaker (responsible for all cooking, cleaning, and childcare).

Going through this arranged marriage process again is killing me. I am facing rejection almost every weekend. I feel like a failure. The social pressure on my mother to get me married is immense; I often see her crying, unable to understand what these men truly want. Now that I am 30—considered 'old'—any family from the boys' side that says 'Yes' to even seeing me is instantly invited by my parents.

Putting myself out in front of strangers who silently judge and reject me has incited a feeling of shame, anger, and a loss of self-respect in me. On the other hand, my longing for a partner and the hope that one day it will all work out keeps me in the game. This is a shared struggle of women around me. It gives me peace knowing the majority of the women around me are going through the same struggle. I am not suffering alone.

When rejection began, a part of me desperately wanted to return to my old conditioning: to please them. I was raised to be a fawner, seeking safety and belonging through self-betrayal. Working with Sneh became my anchor. It helped me spotlight these fawning behaviors and, more importantly, define my non-negotiable personal values. These values now guide me as I navigate the choppy waters of patriarchy.

I am an independent, educated girl. I earn my own money. All I seek is freedom to work, to make joint decisions with my partner, to have equality, respect, and support in a relationship. Is that truly too much to ask?

-Hareem, Lahore

The Waiting Room: A Longing for Love

Years of unmet longing to find a suitable life partner had led me to a state of deep hopelessness. In the context of arranged marriage, I felt increasingly devalued by society as I grew older, becoming a less desirable prospect. I started living a life of rejection, inside out. On the outside, either I was rejecting potential partners, or getting rejected by them. And on the inside, I had resigned from living the life I truly desired. I put life on hold! A metaphor that aptly describes my past state is: 'I was hanging in a stale, moldy waiting room, with all my doors and windows closed, passively waiting for my prince charming to rescue me.' My happiness felt entirely dependent on that one possibility. That belief pushed me into constant anxiety and fear.

Working with Sneh led me to self-awareness and powerfully reconnected me to hope. Through our work together, I let go of the pent-up anger, anxiety, and despair from not finding love on my expected timeline. I learned to take charge of my own life. Metaphorically, 'I opened the doors and windows of my waiting room, allowing fresh air and light to flood in.' I have now started decorating my waiting room with things I love and that bring me joy. I am no longer desperately waiting but have learned to live a life that I genuinely look forward to each day. I have gained self-acceptance and learned to embrace the present moment. I am hopeful that this positive state will naturally attract the right partner when the time is right.

With Sneh, I felt safely held and courageously guided throughout this journey.

-Kanisha, Mumbai, India

A Story of Self-Rescue

Hell broke loose when I decided to separate after two decades of an abusive marriage. I was married to a man who was a neglectful narcissist and a womanizer. I simply did not exist in his world. Silent treatment, no emotional intimacy, and financial control plagued my marriage. I had been reduced to a housemaid and had completely lost myself in serving a relationship that was devoid of love and care. Neither was I allowed to get a job to earn money nor do anything that I could enjoy. I was treated like a doormat.

After leaving, I needed support to heal and find myself again. During my time with Sneh, I felt seen and heard, which is essential for healing from relational abuse. She listened with a lot of empathy and without judgment. It helped me make sense of what happened to me. Going through a separation, especially in a society where divorce is looked down upon, is a very lonely journey. Overnight, you lose face in society. Working with Sneh gave me hope, and I started healing from years of accumulated anger, emotional pain, and self-blame. For the first time in 20 years, I have started exploring 'Who am I, and what is important to me?' I am gradually finding my way back to me. I have started taking care of myself and am learning what my needs are in relationships.

What I especially appreciated was that Sneh, being of South Asian descent and settled abroad, offered a wonderful blend of Eastern and Western values that I could easily connect with. She culturally understood what I was going through. Thank you, Sneh, for being such an inspiring advocate for women in patriarchy.

Mominah, Lahore, Pakistan

The Inheritance of Narcissism: Healing the Father Wound

I was born and raised in Parbat, a hilly district of Nepal by a single mother in a poor family. My world was limited to our mud house. My dad was a womaniser and left home to start another family when I was three years old. My mother was not just left alone to provide for her children but endured oppressive control under the guardianship of her in-laws. I grew up seeing physical and verbal abuse at home. 

I had no emotional connection with my father but little did I know that my low confidence, social anxiety and inability to make friends were connected to his intermittent and unreliable presence in our lives. He only showed up when he needed something from us and made promises which were always broken. New car and expensive Keto diet for him, ignored calls and unpaid fees for me. I learnt not to trust him. I was dealing with a neglectful grandiose narcissist as a father. 

I walked around the world in a hyper vigilant state constantly scanning for danger. In public spaces I felt people were staring at me, judging me. I was living a me vs.the world narrative walking around like a wounded cat, ready to attack! 

Because of my experiences with my father, I did not learn how to trust and build relationships. Instead, I built walls around me, I judged people harshly, I was rude to them, and in no time I became a people repellent.That worked for me because in my belief people were not trustworthy anyway. It saved me from getting betrayed further. This old belief kept me safe but at the same time created a life that felt extremely lonely. I craved deep connections and friendships but lacked the ability to put my guard down and let people in my life. 

The reason why I am able to narrate this story is because I was able to piece all of this together during my sessions with Sneh. She helped me bring to light emotions that I had piled onto the 'I am never going to visit these again' bucket. Over time, I learnt to stay present to every emotion including that of betrayal and anger. A veil of heaviness has lifted over my shoulders and I have started looking forward to my days. I am happier and more confident now. I am learning to trust once again. Healing is an uncomfortable journey. It requires patience and courage. I have been on this path for the past eight months.

Recently, I took on a 21 day challenge  where I am learning to have one social interaction a day. It can be something as small as making eye contact with a stranger and smiling, or petting someone's dog in the park. Working with Sneh has not just eased my pain; it has given me access to a life filled with connection and joy.

Rita, Parbat, Nepal

Losing my Job, Finding my Worth

I was let go of a job that was my identity for thirteen years. I was told my performance was not up to the mark despite being given an opportunity to fix it. I was heartbroken, and at a loss for words. My identity had been that of an overachiever. I excelled through school, college, and my job. It was a pride and a burden that I carried for decades. When I was laid off I was in disbelief and denial. A rug had been pulled underneath my feet. Unsure how I had gotten there to begin with.

Well-wishers, with the best intentions, asked me to 'Move On' to the next chapter. There were a lot of emotions whirling in me and I didn't feel capable of moving on but felt compelled to do so. This is when I got in touch with Sneh to help me unravel 'What next?'

Little did I know holding space for contemplation would lead me to where it hurt the most. Sneh helped me acknowledge and name all the emotions that showed up during our sessions without any judgement, I was allowed to tell my stories and she listened with compassion. I grieved the loss of a 13 year old work relationship. I left an organisation that I called home for more than a decade. All of it was gone. I felt ashamed and humiliated at being asked to leave. There was a lot of self-blame. Even though I had unknowingly contributed to the 'letting go' situation, a part of me still wanted to be taken back with a hope of restoring my dignity.

Sneh did not ask me to move on and that started my healing journey. Working with her, I realized something important. I had become a hyper-achiever. This was a coping mechanism. This likely stemmed from having a parent who (unknowingly) promised me shiny things for achieving their expectations. They loved me but I was always confused as to what I must do to continue feeling loved. Filial piety and fulfilling parental expectations were anyway considered fundamental in the culture I grew up in. I internalised early on that 'to be worthy, to be loved, one had to continually achieve.' Even though it served me in a way (a big part of me thrived on external recognition), it left me deeply exhausted, disconnected from my feelings, my body and further away from the 'authentic me.' Understanding how these early on relational dynamics contributed to a pattern of external validation was liberating yet stirred up disbelief in me. I swirled. I was living under an assumption that I had made significant progress in 'putting myself first' but that didn't seem true anymore. 

While the experience of losing my job was very painful and humiliating, I now recognize its unexpected gift: it guided me back to myself. I am now rewiring my old beliefs and learning to trust my intuition. Without this disruption, I fear I would have remained trapped in a cycle of achievement, headed towards burnout and lifelessness.

Mira, Coorg, India

Sneh's question, "Who is Ayesha beyond her achievements?", sparked my coaching journey. I evolved from a compulsive overachiever who didn't have full access to her emotional canvas to someone who knows how to slow down and is connected to her feelings. I have started to prioritize my self-care, which helps me to feel more balanced and energized.

Coming from a patriarchal society, I struggled to understand how it had shaped my beliefs, fears and life choices. During our coaching sessions, Sneh guided me through powerful questions and visualisation exercises to discover why I feel like I always need to be working and achieving in order to feel worthy. Tapping into my body's wisdom through embodiment helped me to slow down, and let go of the 'fears and hustle culture' I had internalized.

Sneh's calmness and warmth created a safe space for me. Our pre-session chats about life, music, and culture made the coaching experience more relaxed and enjoyable.

–Ayesha, Lahore, Pakistan